Getting to Stanmore - AKA - Alcatraz !!! - Parts of journey not shared before !

My discharge from the RLH was now imminent ! My trachie now removed, vocal cords working again, breathing on my own, and after months of ICU and high care, I am destined for rehab !!! Still basically a mop, but flickers of hope showing in my right arm and hand. PROBLEM ONE, my cell is not available at Alcatraz for another two weeks ! A decision is made to transfer me to a head injury rehab Center in Lewisham, which has two beds dedicated to spinal injury. A pleasant enough facility if you are brain injured, but singularly the most depressing place if you have your wits about you ! As I had contracted the MRSA virus, I was again given a private room. My days were spent on the third floor facility overlooking a dismal river and a small park, surrounded by non-communitive people all watching the same TV program day after day ! Sad, dark, and very depressing. I would ask daily at the front desk if they had contacted Stanmore to see if my cell was ready !! Always to be told that as soon as they heard I would be transferred. It was here that I met a woman who had a profound influence on my attitude towards my injury. She was a nurse assigned to me by the name of Molly. I asked her one evening " how long, and why she was working in a ward like this ", and she simply answered..... " I have been here for 30 years, and I look at every patient and say to myself, this could be ME ! " of Jamaican decent, she used to hum to me whilst prepping me for the night. No masks, no gown or apron, no gloves etc etc, she treated me as a person rather than a being in a vegetative state ! She would always close my door for the night saying " never give up ", words that to this day inspire me to continue with my quest to rid myself of this chair !! Coupled with the fact that the consultant I had been handed over to - who was particularly interested in my " unusual " presentation !!! Being the Guinea pig for teaching specialists with various trials that needed doing was no fun. After a week of prodding, pushing, Asia testing etc etc, I refused his request of using me as a " specimen ". He was not pleased with me, but wanted to keep me there in what I believe, was for him to further his career by writing papers for the medical journals !! I got to dislike him intensely, made it quite clear and hounded the front desk about my placement in Stanmore. To this day, I believe that had I not pushed so hard, he would have tried to keep me there as one of his self indulgent case studies. Lis', Jen, and Nic and Graaaamie, trudged out there to see me, and all agreed - get outa there as soon as possible !! it's depressing !!! Having tried to spend time in the " social " room and finding it way to depressing, with a nurse in each corner keeping an eye out on all the patients, I found solice in rather retreating to my room, closing the door and pondering my fate for the future ! Was THIS going to be how life was going to be forever ? Banished to some institution, hidden away from society, locked behind electric doors which could only be deactivated once a nurse had been assigned to you if you wanted to go off the ward. I DON'T THINK SO !!!! Mentioning visiting, I am forever grateful to Jen, Nic, Graam, and Peter for their constant following of my journey. Through thick and thin they made their way to see me. Even in the most dire of circumstances, they made it to my bedside, offering all the encouragement possible. Never failing to generate positive energy in going forward, even though we knew how dismal things were !! Jen with her packets of chokkies and biscuits, Nic with Holy water, and peter with fruit etc etc. Behind the smiles, jokes and encouragement, we all knew how dismal my situation was. The few hours a week we spent together was what kept me going. It was here on the third floor, locked away, with constant moaning and groaning filtering into my private room from the other patients that I thought very strongly about suicide. I mean, what was my life worth to me ? Little movement, banished to a chair, locked away......... The problem was, HOW !!! I could hardly ask the nurses to overdose me !! And all meds were under lock and key. Dished out at regimented times, watched while swallowed and signed off by the administering nurse. That period of my journey, just short of three weeks was possibly the darkest phase of the ride. having, for once, pretty good internet connection, I researched all the euthanasia clinics, and quickly came to the conclusion that it was not as easy as making a reservation, arriving and having a last meal - bidding your loved ones goodbye and then swallowing a heap of barbiturates and dropping off to the land of nod forever ! NO, God was not that easy to leap frog ! There are all sorts of moral, ethical and religious grounds to be hurdled and then the courts to contend with which could take up to two years to decide. And my condition was not life threatening or unbearably painful !!! I was very much an unlikely candidate to be considered, which only depressed me more. It was then that I started and to this day still do, my weekly update with the medical fraternity : do not resuscitate, no life support machines etc etc in the event of a reoccurrence. THEN, came the day !!!......... My bed became available at Stanmore ! Molly, came in to inform me of my transfer ! We cried together, and then she asked if we could pray together. I agreed and still to this day have no idea of what we said, but Molly was gutted ! I was extatic to being moved to my final rehab place, but shattered to be leaving one of the most beautiful souls that I had met ! Molly if you follow my blog - always remember how instrumental you were in maintaining my sanity in Frank Cooksley Rehab. Xx was sad to leave Molly behind but OH SO pleased to be leaving the third floor facility for good. So the two and a half hour ambulance ride to Alcatraz goes fine ! I arrive at what seems like a squatter camp ! A mish mash of buildings spread over an estate much like a movie set made for a concentration camp !! I am transported inside to a private, isolated ward because of my MRSA status. I have a door out to the garden and the inner ward is top class, the nurses unbelievable, and the attention to patient requirements admirable !! Even with the everlasting mixture of urine and bleach smells, I was in " heaven " ! I had access to a garden with trees, flowers and sunshine. The spinal unit was a recently upgraded section to the hospital with direct access to the gym and the Aspire Charity section with coffee shop, leisure Center, pool and sports facility. The GB Rugby team ( para's ) used the gymnasium to practice, which was a good outlet to watch. Although all patients on a frantic schedule of Physio, OT, meetings, lectures, life skills etc etc there was a sense of freedom. Continual encouragement by staff to interact with others, explore the surrounds, go to the coffee shop etc etc, all the while installing a form of independence into the subconscious. The first week in Stanmore was filled with tests, examinations, meetings with psychologists, case managers and the meeting of one's mentor for the duration of one's stay. This mentor would become your arms, legs, bowels, bladder, and education officer on living life with SCI. It was during this week that I met my assigned consultant. A Scottish lady, probably mid forties, abrupt and to the point bedside manner ( or so I thought ), initially I thought she was a bit dismissive. This was Angela Gall. Who I grew so fond of and realised very quickly how wrong I had initially been in my judgement of her. My assessment meeting with Angela was an hour long one on one, once all test results were back and I had had all my mri's, X-Ray's and every organ scanned. This meeting was harsh ! I wheel myself into her modest office and " no holes barred " I get the run down of my injury ! In simple everyday language she explains everything to me. Offering no promises other than her and the team getting me to stand. Walking, no promises and in actual fact pretty little chance if at all. My presentation is " unusual " and I will be treated on an " as we go, let's see what happens " basis. Again, I'm a prime candidate for " trials " as I am an " unusual " case !! I soon nipped all the requests in the bud by refusing any further procedures that may or may not help medicine in years to come. Selfish, some may judge, but my primary goal now was to concentrate on my own healing process, both physically and emotionally. Angela predicted a 8 - 10 week rehab program which landed up being just short of seven months !!! Yes, Stanmore, which soon became Alcatraz was to be my home for that part of the journey. I have blogged good and bad about Alcatraz in previous blogs, but I am eternally greatful for the opportunity allowed !! Shortly after my arrival, I was retested for MRSA, cleared, and moved into a four bed bay. An experience never want to go through again. No privacy, no sleep, everyone being turned at different times, lights on, lights off.............. Never a quiet moment - how I missed the loneliness of a private ward. I expressed my feelings to the sister who said she would see what she could do. In accordance with NHS protocol, although I had been cleared of MRSA, one needs to be tested three times - Whoops, the next test showed positive and I needed isolating again !! The only room available was in a wing adjacent to the spinal ward called the AMU. I spent the further six months on this ward and request to go back onto this ward when I return for my top up intensive therapies. As mentioned in the past, the staff became my family and a good few friends for life were made here. So.... On the AMU ward my mentor Chrissy was assigned to me. As written above their duty is to educate you through your rehab. Not for wanting to over share, but for wanting of your understanding of their role, this person becomes responsible for your daily care and preparing you for life on the outside. All and I mean ALL dignity flys out the window !! Manual evacuation of the bowels means lying on your side, having suppositories popped up and then manual stimulation to induce bowel movement. No simpler way to put it !! Then, bladder management - first, they try the intermittent catheter route, which involves inserting a 16 inch pipe through the urethral path, via the prostate into the bladder, and Woolla the wee is emptied into a bag ! Try this five times a day !!!! Not fun !. It was agreed all round, that because I didn't have the use of my left hand, a bionic penis was my next option - suprapubic catheter, which to this day I have. A direct pipe from the bladder exiting just below the belly button and flows directly into a disposable sterile bag. A real passion killer :-) :-). The adaptability of the mind and body is amazing ! Having left Royal London weighing in at 49kgs, dropping to around 45 at Lewisham, and arriving skeletal at Alcatraz, meant dietician input and various diet measures put in place ! First high fibre, then low fibre, then full fat, then low fat...... The list goes on ! But I got so comfortable there that within no time, Luc' the Philopino kitchen lady simply decided my daily food intake ! She fed me apple crumble and double custard three times a day - I gained weight in no time, and now have to diet to keep weight off !!! ME, who had a 29" waist prior to my injury !!! Absurd !! So my time at Alcatraz was coming to an end. On Angela's good advice, she felt I was becoming institutionalised, my therapy on the level, and it was time to start prepping me to face the big wide world again, with a readmission months up the line. I cannot explain the fear of having my bubble taken away from me, nor the sheer lack of confidence in myself to face the world again. Me, who nothing daunted, was scared to show face and grab the world like in my past life !!!! i don't think anyone can comprehend unless in a similar circumstance what it's like to re-enter society in a wheelchair where everyone looks down at you ! And I am talking literally ! Just to be at eye level again !!!! But, as I said before, this is not a sympathy blog, rather a reality blog ! I am so thankful for what I have now, and am able to be thankful for what I had in the past ! I thank you all for reading my blog, for commenting on it, for the encouragement, and above all for humouring me with attacking the demons leading up to my two year anniversary !,, My next one, will highlight the prep for release, the outside world and the ability to make a change to this beautiful place called " our world ". As always, sent with love, and ongoing good health wishes !! G.