Past, Present and Future...... !!!!

For too long prior to my two year anniversary of my injury, I contemplated the time span of recovery ! For weeks leading up to the November date, I felt myself gradually sliding backwards, a hole difficult not to slide in to, a place where absolute uselessness hovers and a place where one cannot express the helplessness of the body out ruling the positive side of the mind. To me, all thoughts of the process of forward progress was gradually grinding to a halt. This new body in the making.....just not getting there !! The why's, the when's ? The how long's..... All the questions started to filter back ! I, after two years expected to be whole again ! I expected to be walking again ! And I expected to be resuming my prior lifestyle !!! I, I, I, I all want and needs ! It was a few weeks of build up that I never suspected ! Demonds lurking in the sub-conscious , hope, self gratification etcetera all bundled into one ! I want to walk ! I want this body to maintain as it did before ! Sadly it ain't happening !! well not fast enough for my liking. But, I have to go with the " lot " being dealt to me and maintain a positive attitude towards my rebuilding of life, and this process called " recovery " !!!!. The dreaded anniversary date arrives and having conditioned my mind, I am wakened by my carer to a sun filled Autumn day, with my mind set in a good positive way !! No hate, no challenge, no morbid thoughts of " why's, when's , if's , buts etc. if anyone is gonna change this...... It has to be me !. I decide that the 7th of November is gonna be a MY day, a day where I can do exactly what is needed for me, and that's exactly what I need to convince myself of just how lucky I actually am. I refuse any morning excersizes, instruct a faster morning regime, shave faster than before, moisturise without cleanser, toner etc, refuse FES electrodes, choose the brightest of my wardrobe, and let the household know that I won't be doing any further Physio or standing frame for the day ! Eye-brows lift, but I don't care - today is My day !! Nothing other than a self indulgent day of no regimented regime. All my life I have lived near water, if not the ocean, a river or a dam. Water to me instills a tranquility of the mind. I wrap up warmly, and instruct a trip to the river - a mere 7 minutes wheel from home. Here on the edge of the Thames, I instruct both carers to leave me alone, to linger behind me at a distance where I can feel they don't belong to me ! At a distance where I am able to feel vulnerable without having any form of support should I need it. Finally, finally I am alone !! The muddy current of the Thames, chilled autumn breeze, nobody hovering around me, total silence in my head and oblivious to the city life sounds all around me. Basically, for the first time in two years I am truely ALONE ! I meditate, I sit and look around me, I pray, I argue with the universe, I try every working muscle ( not many ) to get angry........ But No ! It's not happening ! Now with the sound of the ebbing river, the water taxi's horns, the Fishermans banter etc etc etc, I begin to realise just how far I've come in two years, and just how fortunate I am to have the support I have, how lucky I am to have the adapted apartment I have, how lucky I am to have regained what part of this body I have, how every drop of blood, sweat and tears has paid off !! How fortunate enough I have the option of shopping out carers at will.................. The list goes on and on ........... From a 48hr death sentence, extended by another 48 hrs, induced coma, to waking up a complete mop, head to toe, not able to communicate, no body movement, eyes only, and destined to a life in some care home reliant on people 24/7. Hell NO, what gives me the right to complain ? It's thanks I need to be giving !!!! Here I am, sitting on the rivers edge, alone, with a functional arm, good head and a 4 X 4 to get me around !. What more could a cripple ask for ? The frustrations of everyday living kinda pale into insignificance. I was always one for labels. Clothing, furniture, aftershave etc etc, but now I'm governed by seams, zips, buttons etc, to maintain a healthy skin regime ! How lucky I am to be able to shop ! Womens department for tights or men's departments for sweaters - I now have more options ! I now live alone, assisted of course with 24/7 help, but how lucky I am !!. Getting back to the label thing, I labeled my help as carers, or the Jeeves - No Longer, they will from now on be referred to as the " gang " !. If I lable them as carers, I'm lableing myself as dependent, or disabled ! A truth, but psychologically, not good for the ongoing quest for recovery ! I cannot tell you how long I sat at the river, but I can tell you that the time spent there opened my eyes to the things in life that really matter ! In going forward, my whole mind set changed. We need to nurture what life we have in the now, coz there are no guarantees of what tomorrow will bring. Appreciate what we have, and continually strive to better that. So heading into my third year of crippledom, does not seem as daunting as the lead up to my second year anniversary !! We must love, laugh, listen, live, and embrace what's dealt us in life and strive to enhance all of the aforesaid ! My quest to walk again has been renewed ! Against all odds, one can achieve anything !! Trust, Believe, and make it happen !! As always, sent with love and ongoing good health wishes !! G.