The Darker Shades pale !!!

Hello all, thanks for reading and replying to my recent blog. All encouragement is greatly appreciated ! And, I welcome all Imput with regards to helping me find my legs again ! Touching, just super-facially on my emotional roller coaster ride of the past ( nearly ) two years of my journey, has been liberating and cleansing for the soul ! This IS a long ride, and this ' Chevy ' ain't gonna give up !!!! The wonderful words of encouragement fuel my desire to continue to prove all odds against the powers that be at Alcatraz that, medically, it is not sure that I will walk again ! I don't, and will not accept this, and strive to prove science wrong ! Am very instrumental in moving forward with down right approaches to furthering my mobility with whatever and whoever presents themselves in my path to recovery - it might be minor changes, or slightly more effective changes ! Who knows ? But my path to freedom still remains focussed on getting out of this chair !! Permanently !! A book, progressions in my recovery, a campaigne to make every business wheelchair friendly via portable ramps etc etc, as well as making transport for London fully aware of mobility issues remains my primary concern ! And........... I now have NO compunction of pulling the ' emergency ' button on the trains and tubes !! We all have a say, and we need to vent and be heard !! The ' Standard ' It's a listed building, so we cannot build a ramp, is a load of shit !!! What about portable ramps ??? Never an acceptable answer - so...... Good people, let's make this law !!! It's funny, most of you will agree with me, then move onto the next post ( totally understand ), unyet if you were unexpectedly thrown into this scenario ? Would you fight for the same ? You CAN stand, so do so in the eyes of " moving forward " Enough bitching now !!! Greatly been accepted onto an exo-skeleton trial, ith huge thanks to the two people that subtly pulled it together ! Will not let them down, and am sure that I will prove to be an excellent candidate for futuristic " walking" !! Posted with love and ongoing goo health wishes !! G.

Finding my LEGS again: Darker shades of Pale !

Finding my LEGS again: Darker shades of Pale !: This is as real as it is ever gonna get.i have been asked, What really happened, What really did you feel, what really did you expect..........

Darker shades of Pale !

This is as real as it is ever gonna get.i have been asked, What really happened, What really did you feel, what really did you expect........... The ' What Real's ' are questions that I, myself have probably blocked out of my conscious mind in order to avert the truth of ' What really ' lies ahead for me in trying to find my legs again !! This is a long read ! ...... But worth it to understand !,,.... So, the day started out as any other normal one, feeling as great as all the other previous days, no symptoms of the trivialities of flu, head colds, headaches etc etc etc. Crossing the Thames as usual on the early ferry, and walking the 10 minute walk to the office, thanking the powers above for the privelage of being able to experience the life I was so enjoying !!! I have always been a positive person, always been someone to try and find the goodness in anything or anyone that presented as a dismal scenario. From the beggar to the abandoned dog, life was precious, and I believe that anyone of us could be at the top of the game, or land up at the bottom of the game. Try not to critisee, judge or be judgemental about another's misfortune. When challenged about my own emotional ride on this journey of mine, and challenged about the lack of honesty about the outcome of my injury, and then accuse of hiding behind the ' so ' called inspirational effect I seem to be having with the projecting of my ' Positive ' approach to my seemingly in-obtuse outcome of my spinal cord injury ! I have thought long, and very hard on this, and as hard as it has been still maintain that my approach has been the best way to move forward - I refuse to judge myself on this, BUT, have, as requested decided to share the darker parts of the journey that nobody would understand unless having experienced them, themselves. So.... Let the truth be known..... The distant fuzz of ambulance sirens, sharp needle pricks quite apparent, and vague voices explaining that you are en-route to hospital. The constant plea to ' stay with us ' The uncontrolled phases of slipping in and out of consciousness ! All the time believing that this is ' not ' happening to you ! On arrival at the A & E, given priority over everyone else, gave me some vague realisation that this was perhaps, serious ! Suddenly alert, answering questions being asked by doctors, then vague moments of oblivion, awake periods, more needles and then nothing, more nothing and more nothing !!! According to my charted reports, MIR's, scans, and X-Rays etc etc were performed - life's imbalance placed in the hand of the medical fraternity ! I, in the mean time in complete La La land induced by the wonders of modern day medical technology. Given 48 Hrs to live - induced coma to comfort me, and reduce the pressure of the brain ! Family mobilised from the other end of the world, in antissiptation of organising a funeral, BUT NO !, I make the 48 Hr death line ! Another boundary given of another 48hours! given......... And I make it ! In hindsight, I still question why ? It would have been better to die ! It's time to bring me out of the coma now ! I wake up, semi-comatised, recognising voices around me, more pipes invading by body than a band of Scottish Highlanders - and the only organs in my body that are able to move are my eyes ! Scary, frightening, terrifying, ...... No words can explain !!! How ?, How ?, was I going to die ? Would my friends help me? Would my family understand ? Could I do it ?........ I wanted to die! More than anything in the world,I WANTED To DIE !!!! Fluctuating between ' drug fucked ' hazes of reality and utopia, whilst the medical consultants argued between themselves as to weather I was a stroke / spinal injury patient, I lay there looking at the ceiling - unable to move ! To this day, I can hear the consultants arguing around my bed also what to do with me. One admitting that the blood thinners should NEVER have been administered, and the other, a hard Spanish consultant trying to prove why I should be admitted to her ward for neuro ' tests ' I cannot remember her name, and if I did, I would publish it in full knowledge of risk of prosecution ! Manipulative, case seeking, bitch ! The Spinal consultant on the other hand seemed to have some empathy ! Seemed more real, and admitted to3 people afterwards that the thinning agents should never have been given to me. His name, for obvious reasons I cannot publish ! Five months as a mop, and then a further seven months of spinal rehab, has tested my faith in humanity, lead me to some very dark corners of my mind - research into euthanasia clinics, thoughts of suicide etcetera BUT, I have a second chance ! A chance, not chosen, but given ! If I can make one difference to one life then I would have fill filled one objective ! I refuse to give up, I refuse to stop trying, and I refuse to allow my disability to stand in my way !! And above all, I REFUSE to lose my positive attitude !Life is beautiful - it won an Oscar !! Love ya all......" Oghw ( ongoing good health wishes ) G.

My emotional Trip

To follow !! G

Blog not complete yet ! But just keeping you in the loop !!!

So........ My bird watching days are OVER !! P & P finally gave in to the wid element and abandoned nest !! Forget the niceties of wild life in London. If you want it, go to the zoo..... I'm done with it ! Apologies for the half completed layout of my blog, but having spent many hours into the early hours of the morning, I am slowly getting it right - still not mastered the " paragraph ", " dimension " things along with being able to import pics etc etc etc..... I will get there ! It's been a rather interesting past two weeks of yet again stroking ego's, interviewing prospective replacement carers and dealing with the bullshit that these people seem to aspire to. I managed to replace the one live in that I was not happy with - after an hours consultation as to my gripes about him, he suggested that I had no empathy towards him, and that I did not understand the responsibility the carer had ! And when I explained to him that his role was to ensure that my life was run for me by the carers, ie pills, positioning, pressure relief, excersises etc, he said that I was too much work !! PLEASE ! If I could earn their money and sleep for 16 hours a day, I would be very greatful......... So, out the door he went and our new link is a Portugese guy, very polite, seems to know his stuff, and seems to get on with the team ! HELL NO !!! Just as I think all is dandy, Princess Eugene starts moping around with one syllabil answers ! His lip dragging along like a stretched pork sausage on its way to the synagogue !! I give up ! I ask him what's wrong and get a simple " nothing " in response. His shift ended today and he left without saying goodbye !!! So, I am going to throw caution to the wind, take one heck of a chance, and have contacted my HEalth care manager and do it myself ! Risky, but my gut says Do It. I don't think most people can understand just how invasive it is to have two people, basically hovering around to do the most menial thing such as write a telephone number down ! It's exhausting and frustrating ! But enough bitching now...... I have to look at it as " fortunate ". The 12 volt battery arrives........ Yeeeehhhhiiiiiii, you are probably gonna see me being chased around the streets of London by the coppa's !. We charge it up, speaker discretely placed under my seat, pointing forward and off Rameez and I set to terrorise any padestrean on their phone, texting or looking at maps. Gotta give my Meezie credit here, he is open to breaking the rules, game for pushing the buzzer so some clump of tourist " shit their cakes " as he puts it ! I am liberated, far far to eager to instruct a " push now " command, and he is equally as keen to do it without command !!! On route to Kingston, at Waterloo station, we are trying to find a staff member to release a ramp so I can get onto the train. Not a sole in sight and 3 minutes to departure ! No problem ! Meezie announces on the hailer " ASSiSTANCE NEEDED ! nOW ""...... Within seconds staff come running ! Then the slow boat to China tourists get a " buzz " honk to seperate them - we sail through !! We go to B & Q on Sunday and create havoc by beeping, and buzzing our way through ! They even opened a reserved till for us - sure that they just wanted us out. Funny thing is, they cannot see anything and all look a little confused as to where the noise is coming from !!! Love it, love it, love it, but somehow I think it might get us into a little trouble !! It was this time last year that I was due to be released by Alcatraz. The powers that be extended my stay by another 3 months. So, in essence I have been on the outside going int my 10th month. It has been a long hard battle to maintain a positive attitude and continue with the maintenance program for my recovery. The consultant is happy with my progress, but in all honesty, living with this condition requires constant reminding that the excersises, standing, muscle toning, EFS etc etc is really starting to get to me !! The improvements are remarkable, albeit slow, but steady ! To those followers that I have been in touch with, KEEP going !! The mind can get us through ! Especially to you Chris, who stood for the first time in years ! Well done, and keep it up ! Don't faulted, and DONT give in to the easy route !!! As always, be well and thankful to life's lot - Everything is for a reason. Love ya all. G