Darker shades of Pale !

This is as real as it is ever gonna get.i have been asked, What really happened, What really did you feel, what really did you expect........... The ' What Real's ' are questions that I, myself have probably blocked out of my conscious mind in order to avert the truth of ' What really ' lies ahead for me in trying to find my legs again !! This is a long read ! ...... But worth it to understand !,,.... So, the day started out as any other normal one, feeling as great as all the other previous days, no symptoms of the trivialities of flu, head colds, headaches etc etc etc. Crossing the Thames as usual on the early ferry, and walking the 10 minute walk to the office, thanking the powers above for the privelage of being able to experience the life I was so enjoying !!! I have always been a positive person, always been someone to try and find the goodness in anything or anyone that presented as a dismal scenario. From the beggar to the abandoned dog, life was precious, and I believe that anyone of us could be at the top of the game, or land up at the bottom of the game. Try not to critisee, judge or be judgemental about another's misfortune. When challenged about my own emotional ride on this journey of mine, and challenged about the lack of honesty about the outcome of my injury, and then accuse of hiding behind the ' so ' called inspirational effect I seem to be having with the projecting of my ' Positive ' approach to my seemingly in-obtuse outcome of my spinal cord injury ! I have thought long, and very hard on this, and as hard as it has been still maintain that my approach has been the best way to move forward - I refuse to judge myself on this, BUT, have, as requested decided to share the darker parts of the journey that nobody would understand unless having experienced them, themselves. So.... Let the truth be known..... The distant fuzz of ambulance sirens, sharp needle pricks quite apparent, and vague voices explaining that you are en-route to hospital. The constant plea to ' stay with us ' The uncontrolled phases of slipping in and out of consciousness ! All the time believing that this is ' not ' happening to you ! On arrival at the A & E, given priority over everyone else, gave me some vague realisation that this was perhaps, serious ! Suddenly alert, answering questions being asked by doctors, then vague moments of oblivion, awake periods, more needles and then nothing, more nothing and more nothing !!! According to my charted reports, MIR's, scans, and X-Rays etc etc were performed - life's imbalance placed in the hand of the medical fraternity ! I, in the mean time in complete La La land induced by the wonders of modern day medical technology. Given 48 Hrs to live - induced coma to comfort me, and reduce the pressure of the brain ! Family mobilised from the other end of the world, in antissiptation of organising a funeral, BUT NO !, I make the 48 Hr death line ! Another boundary given of another 48hours! given......... And I make it ! In hindsight, I still question why ? It would have been better to die ! It's time to bring me out of the coma now ! I wake up, semi-comatised, recognising voices around me, more pipes invading by body than a band of Scottish Highlanders - and the only organs in my body that are able to move are my eyes ! Scary, frightening, terrifying, ...... No words can explain !!! How ?, How ?, was I going to die ? Would my friends help me? Would my family understand ? Could I do it ?........ I wanted to die! More than anything in the world,I WANTED To DIE !!!! Fluctuating between ' drug fucked ' hazes of reality and utopia, whilst the medical consultants argued between themselves as to weather I was a stroke / spinal injury patient, I lay there looking at the ceiling - unable to move ! To this day, I can hear the consultants arguing around my bed also what to do with me. One admitting that the blood thinners should NEVER have been administered, and the other, a hard Spanish consultant trying to prove why I should be admitted to her ward for neuro ' tests ' I cannot remember her name, and if I did, I would publish it in full knowledge of risk of prosecution ! Manipulative, case seeking, bitch ! The Spinal consultant on the other hand seemed to have some empathy ! Seemed more real, and admitted to3 people afterwards that the thinning agents should never have been given to me. His name, for obvious reasons I cannot publish ! Five months as a mop, and then a further seven months of spinal rehab, has tested my faith in humanity, lead me to some very dark corners of my mind - research into euthanasia clinics, thoughts of suicide etcetera BUT, I have a second chance ! A chance, not chosen, but given ! If I can make one difference to one life then I would have fill filled one objective ! I refuse to give up, I refuse to stop trying, and I refuse to allow my disability to stand in my way !! And above all, I REFUSE to lose my positive attitude !Life is beautiful - it won an Oscar !! Love ya all......" Oghw ( ongoing good health wishes ) G.