There are many fields of expertise that I have wished in the past that I had followed. The one I have best achieved is that of the past year - one I had not even considered ! Staff Recruitement ! It is with great glee, that I was to arrange a live in carers replacement with no anamositivity today !!!!
Having gotten tired of the testosterone levels between the guys looking after me, I had made a choice to introduce a female into the equation !. Always in hindsight !, that was a bad move ! Accepting all responsibility to " hire " the girl factor without interviewing etc, I have to accept that I was at fault !
So..............in moves Oestrogen as a live in ! Of Eastern descent, quite ubrupt in manner, but unmistakably pedantic with her clinical care. All testosterone levels start following my larva lamp bubbles ! Sometimes up and sometimes down. Life is just not the same ! What, why, I ask myself ? Then it all starts dawning on me - this aide does not bath, leaves cooked chicken in the oven for days on end, has more grease in her hair than John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, does not change clothing from beginning to end ( week long shifts ) etc, etc, etc.....
As it happens, I have to keep reminding myself that this is about ME, and not the Jeeves's !!!! I call the care agency and explain my dilemma - within 24 hrs they have someone for me to interview, and HE is hired - starts on Monday, and all testosterone has started to boil again ! So, this is how it has to be. It is a little like running a sperm bank ! Some swim faster than others, but some swim further than others, some prefer to swim down stream, and some float along ever hopeful of a connection ! I can manage this, and can say, with all honesty that the male species work far better for me.............
That all out of the way, and all regimes back in place, all is running smoothly again. I have become somewhat of a recluse of late !, opting to work from home on the ever-frustrating Dragon voice recon program which is now set up at home and the office - God give me strength to conquer it as it is the most amazing program, but must be one of the hardest to grasp !! I am getting there with many a f&@/ck word !!!!
Saw Jac's for the first time in months for a catch up last night, quick as it was we managed to sink a few PG's, which was amazing !! Had my haircut, for the first time in 18 months, coz it was easier to shave it all off whilst in hospital ! So, darlings, I am on my way to creating a new me !!
All is good !! Will keep you posted as the next week approaches !
With love, and ongoing good health !
Love Ya ,
G.
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Wednesday, 14 January 2015
Thank You Annelie........... !!!
Now, you just gotta understand that this blog is gonna be a bit random ! Meaning that time scales, incidents, funnies, lows, and episodes might jump around a bit. This is not an apology, just a warning that in writing, at the mo, my mind is all over the place and rather than waste time in time zoning - I am just going to let it flow............
My previous blog was full of good positive energy, and how we need to embrace 2015, etc, etc, etc,............. Well friends, I hit the first wall on the 6th, yes........ Me, yes............ I lost the will to live again ! Personal wall of confidence, positive energy etc obliterated by the circle of life ! Broken down, leaving me vulnerable to those awful dark lurgies that can infest the mind so easily. I landed up in hospital ( Aunt Bessie's farm )
A good comparison would be...............
Do you remember schooldays, when the holidays were nearing ? The rich kids were going skiing
' abroad ', the slightly less rich kids were flying to Cape Town, then the middle of the road kids were going to their time share in Umhlanga, and the lesser rich kids were going to Margate or ' The Jewel of the South Coast '. Then there was always that one kid from no means, who was going to his Aunt Bessie's farm !!!
Aunt Bessie's farm was just south of a town called 'Ag Fok Nie ' on that road called ' Hardly Ever Travelled ', situated about 600 Kms due north of Cape Town, about 120 Kms south of ' Hoe Kom ?',
And took at least 18 hours to get there in a soured up Chevy with no air-con !! Dad expressing his enthusiasm about one of his new inventions ( not that any of his previous ones worked ) , mom
continually fiddling with her hair pins to ensure her ' Trust Bank ' do stayed in place. Three kids o
the back seat and the kid from school sat in the middle. Sheer boardom causing the kids to bicker and fight, mom reaching over the seat and slapping whoever was nearest. To alleviate the boredom , the family played ' Eye Spy ' - the only question " S " ...... The only answer...... " Sand ".
Finally the Chevy pulls into the Aunt Bessie's driveway, passing the 20 year old sign " My Dream ". Aunt Bessie's, being dads spinster sister, aged about 55, slightly rotund and who moved away from the family town 20 years ago to make her fortune selling party cakes to the nearby town ' Hoe Kom ', which had a population of 92. Funny thing about " Hoe Kom ", is that whoever got divorced, still remained brother and sister - win win all round !. ( Ever seen the movie ' Deliverance ' ).
Perfect place to drop off the kids for their three week holiday, well, at least the parents thought. Out runs Aunt Bessie to welcome the family to hell ! 40 Degrees, miles and miles of nothingness, hundreds of free range chickens scratching the desert sand in search of anything edible - free range,
load of shit, all look like they have overdone the Scarsdale diet. One pathetic looking sheep ( being
fattened for Xmas ), poor thing looked half dead ! One moth eaten, desert beaten Nguni cow hugging a leafless thorn tree, ever hopeful of a return to its native pastures. An even more sorrowful sight of a paddock of flea ridden Karoo lamb. No running water and a windmill with a broken pump !!!
So if that does not depress you, nothing will.............. I see my folks off on the 5th, ready to throw myself into work, and embrace the new year ! I spend the morning of the 6th with Jo, ordering various computer stuff for my home office. Wham, Bam, Boom ! The universe tilts to the left, and the
circle of life has other motives. Out of the blue, and I mean with NO warning my body gives in, carers taking my blood pressure, ambulance called, I have little conscience recollection apart from that dreaded siren and vague memories of some ambulance nurse sticking needles and pipes into me. Oh God No !!!! Please not me, and as I start drifting off I realise I am on the road called " Hardly
Ever Travelled ", Shit !!!! I am on my way to Aunt Bessie's Farm - HOSPITAL !
So I wake up the next morning, and YES, here I am in a ward with three other half dead looking people. The doc comes around and explains what had happened, when the tubes will be removed and I would need to be monitored for a further 5 days !!! I am guttered, still a bit dazed, but certain I would be ok with in a few hours.
By day 2, my skin looked like a lizards skin. My chest is closing, my eyes red as robots, JUST like when it all began over a year ago. Sorry friends, but there was no embracing this ! The 93 year old man opposite me staring at me, but not seeing anything. Poor guy, reminded me of Aunt Bessie's emaciated cow. His gums were a pleasant sight - baring a top tooth and a bottom tooth, neither of
which were communicating with one another ! The top one chiseled to 93 years of gnashing , and the bottom one heavily stained and loose ! Looked like he could eat an apple through a picket fence !!
The man next to him was obese and being treated for a stomach cyst - I kid you not, the size of a
diner plate. He proudly revealed this festering mass to whoever walked past. Lovely !!! In my mind I had, as I always do, already nicknamed him as ' Pus-Bubble '
The bed to my left was occupied, but the curtains completely drawn around him. Nurses scurrying in and out, wispering tones....... I nick-named him ' Hidden Corpse ' all three of them coughing and spluttering like diesel pumps with no fuel !
By Friday morning, after another nigh of no sleep, physically fine, but emotionally not so good, I had two choices - either remain here and give up OR, take my chances and discharge myself. The latter
being a little frightening, but I just knew I could not stay on Aunt Bessie's Farm !!!!
I made the choice to take my chances and discharge myself. I ask for the sister in charge, plead my case to a very board looking woman, who says I must wait for the doctors round - these I know from
past experience are very irratic and could be quite late in the day which means discharge would not happen, and it is Friday, no discharge likely on a Saturday or Sunday !!!!
So, I make a call to God, He is on answer phone, so I leave a long winded message as to how unfair He has been, and how I am feeling like Aunt Bessie's sheep in his flock etc etc etc. Eventually he gets back to me. AND, I now demand to see the doctor on duty ! A frustrated, tired, overworked doc arrives at my bedside........ He just happened to be the guy that admitted me. I TELL him my plan and demand all drips be removed, and insist I good order home with oral meds to finish my antibiotic course. He try's to argue all the medical stuff with me and how dangerous a position I am putting myself in etc etc etc. I am not buying into it, and after agreeing to sign " It's against medical advice " form, the long process of discharge begins !! My mood lifts, my gut stiffens as to taking responsibility, and still the feeling of embracing the year has not returned. In fact I feel like an SP session coming on ! Not good.
7pm that evening my ambulance arrives to pick me up. Staffed by 2 rather butch looking woman. One with more flabby rolls than a wholesale bakery, and boobs that would give the buoyancy of the QE2 liner a good go !!! And the other as skinny as a rake with the longest neck I have ever seen - I am now handed over to " Stick & Stock " and no longer the responsibility of the NHS !
We arrive at my apartment block and double whammy, stretcher does not fit into lift ! " Stock" waddles up to the second floor to call my carer and to bring my wheelchair. So, here I am in the foyer and have to transfer. Trouble is stretcher does not lower enough to chair level - Stick, Stock and carer attempt a sit up transfer ..... To no avail !, So we grab a passing visitor, asking for help ........ To no avail,........ So we ambush another two passers by !. Six people in the foyer trying to get me into the chair manually - we get very odd stares, but finally get into the chair, up and into my paradise ! Home !!
Quite unexpectedly, prior to my farm visit, I had a call from Annelie. Someone I have known for many many years, but have not had any contact with for eons. She lives in Vienna, and was in London for a limited period of time and wanted to meet for coffee. As fate would have it, our coffee date turned into a lunch date and the two of us were able to have an amazing catch up. She gave me three different references related to my condition. One in PARTICULAR, is something everybody should watch !! It is Awsome ! And I googled it and watched the You Tube video. Search ' Jill Bolte's - My stroke of lighting ' - Powerful, enlightening , uplifting and encouraging !! It pertains to all walks of life, abled or disabled is irrelevant.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Annelie for sharing your precious time with me and more so for your sharing with me the Jill Bolte's details. For it was from what I gained out of this video that I drew on what little reserve I had left after my farm stint ! God has a funny sense of humour, coz just as I was about to give up again......... The lesson of this video pulled me back into line and started to re-affirm my resilience to life's little hurdles.
So, my friends, it is ok to slide backwards, it is ok to break every now and then, SP days are fine, but always make sure that there is that little " reserve " left, what ever it is, somewhere in the subconscious.
I am back on top of the circle of life, full of energy to re-embrace 2015, and looking forward to nurturing and improving on the little changes that are occurring within my body !!!
As always, sent with love, and ongoing good health wishes . Let's attack this year with positive energy and a belief of only accepting the good things.
G.
PS : next blog will fill you in on the hilarities of the " Jeeve's " !
My previous blog was full of good positive energy, and how we need to embrace 2015, etc, etc, etc,............. Well friends, I hit the first wall on the 6th, yes........ Me, yes............ I lost the will to live again ! Personal wall of confidence, positive energy etc obliterated by the circle of life ! Broken down, leaving me vulnerable to those awful dark lurgies that can infest the mind so easily. I landed up in hospital ( Aunt Bessie's farm )
A good comparison would be...............
Do you remember schooldays, when the holidays were nearing ? The rich kids were going skiing
' abroad ', the slightly less rich kids were flying to Cape Town, then the middle of the road kids were going to their time share in Umhlanga, and the lesser rich kids were going to Margate or ' The Jewel of the South Coast '. Then there was always that one kid from no means, who was going to his Aunt Bessie's farm !!!
Aunt Bessie's farm was just south of a town called 'Ag Fok Nie ' on that road called ' Hardly Ever Travelled ', situated about 600 Kms due north of Cape Town, about 120 Kms south of ' Hoe Kom ?',
And took at least 18 hours to get there in a soured up Chevy with no air-con !! Dad expressing his enthusiasm about one of his new inventions ( not that any of his previous ones worked ) , mom
continually fiddling with her hair pins to ensure her ' Trust Bank ' do stayed in place. Three kids o
the back seat and the kid from school sat in the middle. Sheer boardom causing the kids to bicker and fight, mom reaching over the seat and slapping whoever was nearest. To alleviate the boredom , the family played ' Eye Spy ' - the only question " S " ...... The only answer...... " Sand ".
Finally the Chevy pulls into the Aunt Bessie's driveway, passing the 20 year old sign " My Dream ". Aunt Bessie's, being dads spinster sister, aged about 55, slightly rotund and who moved away from the family town 20 years ago to make her fortune selling party cakes to the nearby town ' Hoe Kom ', which had a population of 92. Funny thing about " Hoe Kom ", is that whoever got divorced, still remained brother and sister - win win all round !. ( Ever seen the movie ' Deliverance ' ).
Perfect place to drop off the kids for their three week holiday, well, at least the parents thought. Out runs Aunt Bessie to welcome the family to hell ! 40 Degrees, miles and miles of nothingness, hundreds of free range chickens scratching the desert sand in search of anything edible - free range,
load of shit, all look like they have overdone the Scarsdale diet. One pathetic looking sheep ( being
fattened for Xmas ), poor thing looked half dead ! One moth eaten, desert beaten Nguni cow hugging a leafless thorn tree, ever hopeful of a return to its native pastures. An even more sorrowful sight of a paddock of flea ridden Karoo lamb. No running water and a windmill with a broken pump !!!
So if that does not depress you, nothing will.............. I see my folks off on the 5th, ready to throw myself into work, and embrace the new year ! I spend the morning of the 6th with Jo, ordering various computer stuff for my home office. Wham, Bam, Boom ! The universe tilts to the left, and the
circle of life has other motives. Out of the blue, and I mean with NO warning my body gives in, carers taking my blood pressure, ambulance called, I have little conscience recollection apart from that dreaded siren and vague memories of some ambulance nurse sticking needles and pipes into me. Oh God No !!!! Please not me, and as I start drifting off I realise I am on the road called " Hardly
Ever Travelled ", Shit !!!! I am on my way to Aunt Bessie's Farm - HOSPITAL !
So I wake up the next morning, and YES, here I am in a ward with three other half dead looking people. The doc comes around and explains what had happened, when the tubes will be removed and I would need to be monitored for a further 5 days !!! I am guttered, still a bit dazed, but certain I would be ok with in a few hours.
By day 2, my skin looked like a lizards skin. My chest is closing, my eyes red as robots, JUST like when it all began over a year ago. Sorry friends, but there was no embracing this ! The 93 year old man opposite me staring at me, but not seeing anything. Poor guy, reminded me of Aunt Bessie's emaciated cow. His gums were a pleasant sight - baring a top tooth and a bottom tooth, neither of
which were communicating with one another ! The top one chiseled to 93 years of gnashing , and the bottom one heavily stained and loose ! Looked like he could eat an apple through a picket fence !!
The man next to him was obese and being treated for a stomach cyst - I kid you not, the size of a
diner plate. He proudly revealed this festering mass to whoever walked past. Lovely !!! In my mind I had, as I always do, already nicknamed him as ' Pus-Bubble '
The bed to my left was occupied, but the curtains completely drawn around him. Nurses scurrying in and out, wispering tones....... I nick-named him ' Hidden Corpse ' all three of them coughing and spluttering like diesel pumps with no fuel !
By Friday morning, after another nigh of no sleep, physically fine, but emotionally not so good, I had two choices - either remain here and give up OR, take my chances and discharge myself. The latter
being a little frightening, but I just knew I could not stay on Aunt Bessie's Farm !!!!
I made the choice to take my chances and discharge myself. I ask for the sister in charge, plead my case to a very board looking woman, who says I must wait for the doctors round - these I know from
past experience are very irratic and could be quite late in the day which means discharge would not happen, and it is Friday, no discharge likely on a Saturday or Sunday !!!!
So, I make a call to God, He is on answer phone, so I leave a long winded message as to how unfair He has been, and how I am feeling like Aunt Bessie's sheep in his flock etc etc etc. Eventually he gets back to me. AND, I now demand to see the doctor on duty ! A frustrated, tired, overworked doc arrives at my bedside........ He just happened to be the guy that admitted me. I TELL him my plan and demand all drips be removed, and insist I good order home with oral meds to finish my antibiotic course. He try's to argue all the medical stuff with me and how dangerous a position I am putting myself in etc etc etc. I am not buying into it, and after agreeing to sign " It's against medical advice " form, the long process of discharge begins !! My mood lifts, my gut stiffens as to taking responsibility, and still the feeling of embracing the year has not returned. In fact I feel like an SP session coming on ! Not good.
7pm that evening my ambulance arrives to pick me up. Staffed by 2 rather butch looking woman. One with more flabby rolls than a wholesale bakery, and boobs that would give the buoyancy of the QE2 liner a good go !!! And the other as skinny as a rake with the longest neck I have ever seen - I am now handed over to " Stick & Stock " and no longer the responsibility of the NHS !
We arrive at my apartment block and double whammy, stretcher does not fit into lift ! " Stock" waddles up to the second floor to call my carer and to bring my wheelchair. So, here I am in the foyer and have to transfer. Trouble is stretcher does not lower enough to chair level - Stick, Stock and carer attempt a sit up transfer ..... To no avail !, So we grab a passing visitor, asking for help ........ To no avail,........ So we ambush another two passers by !. Six people in the foyer trying to get me into the chair manually - we get very odd stares, but finally get into the chair, up and into my paradise ! Home !!
Quite unexpectedly, prior to my farm visit, I had a call from Annelie. Someone I have known for many many years, but have not had any contact with for eons. She lives in Vienna, and was in London for a limited period of time and wanted to meet for coffee. As fate would have it, our coffee date turned into a lunch date and the two of us were able to have an amazing catch up. She gave me three different references related to my condition. One in PARTICULAR, is something everybody should watch !! It is Awsome ! And I googled it and watched the You Tube video. Search ' Jill Bolte's - My stroke of lighting ' - Powerful, enlightening , uplifting and encouraging !! It pertains to all walks of life, abled or disabled is irrelevant.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Annelie for sharing your precious time with me and more so for your sharing with me the Jill Bolte's details. For it was from what I gained out of this video that I drew on what little reserve I had left after my farm stint ! God has a funny sense of humour, coz just as I was about to give up again......... The lesson of this video pulled me back into line and started to re-affirm my resilience to life's little hurdles.
So, my friends, it is ok to slide backwards, it is ok to break every now and then, SP days are fine, but always make sure that there is that little " reserve " left, what ever it is, somewhere in the subconscious.
I am back on top of the circle of life, full of energy to re-embrace 2015, and looking forward to nurturing and improving on the little changes that are occurring within my body !!!
As always, sent with love, and ongoing good health wishes . Let's attack this year with positive energy and a belief of only accepting the good things.
G.
PS : next blog will fill you in on the hilarities of the " Jeeve's " !
Saturday, 3 January 2015
Embrace 2015 !!!!!
So with another year behind us, and all the dredged up crap about how much better the following year is gonna be, we enter 2015 !! Yes, as I see it...... Another year closer to the demise of all the ' badness ' of the previous year ! The up's, the down's, the ill fortunes, the ' this has been a bad year ', The on-going negatitivity of getting over the past year - evident in all social media available to ourselves via the consistent upgrading of technology of today !
Think about it, in the good old days, people picked up the phone to say hi, wished everyone the good wishes for the festive season, or called for a good ol' bitch !! NOT today ! Send a text, email or a what's app...... All sorted ! No contact needed, it is easier, no time wasted, and singularly the most impersonal way of communicating ever ! BUT, that seems to be the way the world is trending, so I should not slate it ! But I have to encourage verbal communication as apposed the the above ! Voice connection, shows and feels emotion. Emotion feeds the soul, and once the soul is fed.........
Having said that, and admitting to long, deep considerations of my year of 2014, stretching it a little further back to November 2013, I can realistically state that it was a year I clearly do not want to repeat ! A time of emotional up's and down's nobody will ever understand. A year of institutionalizations, nobody will understand. A year of being dictated to as to what time you get dressed, pill time, breakfast time, lunch and then diner times. A year of being completely at the hands of numerous doctors, nurses, physio's, OT'S - followed by numerous sessions of advise by abled bodied people, who, as dedicated as they are, think they have the authority to advise and ' guide ' you back into the real world ! When you are flat out in bed, completely paralized and a doctor, nurse or some shrink says " I, know how you must be feeling, BUT......... " - WHAT a load of SHIT !! My year was full of huge challenges, amounting to a journey that I have invited you to join me, and together with an inner strength that I found in order to carry on and find my legs AGAIN !!
I would be lying if I did not consider suicide ( a little difficult when you cannot move :) ). As I regained more mobility, I researched suicide clinics in Switzerland, Amsterdam and Brussels, only to realize that it can take up to three years to be approved by the courts ! Not an option - my condition was not life threatening ! I immediately instructed the medical team to put DNR - do not resuscitate, and no life support in the event of a relapse ! - had to sign wads of papers etc etc. Which proved too late once you read on.
The hours upon hours upon hours staring at a blank ceiling, unable to move, talk or control any function of the body. Coupled with the tidal effects of copious amounts of drugs - drifting in and out various 'Alice in Wonderland ' type stories !! I vaguely remember people visiting ( only 2 at a time ), offering good will gestures etc etc, not believing themselves, but it is the done thing !
At the time of my injury..... If I made 48 hours, I had a chance of survival, if I made 72 hours, I was home and dry ! BUT, it was doubtful that I would even make the 48 hours. Looking back on it, I am still convinced that I ' died ' twice - once, in the office where I collapsed, where Jo held me up like a limp puppet until the ambulance arrived. Forget all this stuff of tunnels of light and beautiful music etc etc etc. I firmly beleive that my soul left my body, and I hovered above watching paramedics frantically working over me, whilst Jo was repeatedly saying ' Stay with us Gav, you still have people to tell that you love them ! ' Mumbo jumbo, some people might say, but there is not a night that passes without Jo's words ringing in my ears. Funny really, as all I can remember on the outside of my body is this immense spence of relief, no trumpets, no huge gates, no Angels etc etc - just sheer wholeness of oneself.
The second time, was the day I had asked the hospital to organize transport to my citizenship ceremony. They agreed, provided a physio and a doctor could attend. Did the nessesary, and returned to hospital. Apparently I expressed how exhausted I was and was put to bed. Again, I experienced this overwhelming sense of relief, wholeness and absolute peace. Again, looking down on the
hospital staff frantically inserting tubes and pipes etc, jump starting machines etc etc - no DNR in place yet - DAMN !! Next morning woke up in ICU - only to be told that they nearly lost me ! My retort not suitable for public domain.
And so good people, I could go on and on with episodes of ill will for 2014. I was luckily enough to be awarded a bed in the infamous Stanmore Spinal Rehab. Light at the end of the tunnel ( not dead yet ! ). As you would have read in all my previous blogs, to become my home for six months. Bonds formed like you cannot believe and achievable goals to make life more bearable. So far, as you know, I have half my body back, am fully reintegrated into society, living on my own - with a care pack in place. LIFE IS AS GOOD AS YO MAKE IT !,,
My challenge to you, is to please adopt my attitude in going forward into 2015. Embrace it, love yourself and your family, be greatful for what you have and don't judge !
This seems to be a very ' me ' blog, but in asking you to adopt my attitude, and with further realizations of the numerous hurdles that befall me, I was invited to two New Years eve parties - one was a booze cruise along the Thames ( Start / end point with stations quite within reach - not wheelchair accessible ). The other a house party - two steps off road level, through the house to a tent in the garden - four steps up !!!! NO GO !!
Of years gone by, I would party from the 30th through to the 2nd !!! Be off the radar for days, revelling in all the decadent festivities that befall one at this time of the year ! Miss ? OH YEAH....."........... But I have to look at everything through different eyes now, and regrets, anger, and blame I am not allowed to penetrate my grey matter.
My journey continues, my goals not reached yet, but HELL YES !! I am gonna face 2015 with a renewed vigor ! And I invited you all to join me in the same spirit !
May 2015 bless each and every one of you with health, good will, non-judgement outlooks, and a good positive attitude. Remember, 90% of what we worry about, never happens, and life is fragile.
Happy New Year !!
With love
G.
Think about it, in the good old days, people picked up the phone to say hi, wished everyone the good wishes for the festive season, or called for a good ol' bitch !! NOT today ! Send a text, email or a what's app...... All sorted ! No contact needed, it is easier, no time wasted, and singularly the most impersonal way of communicating ever ! BUT, that seems to be the way the world is trending, so I should not slate it ! But I have to encourage verbal communication as apposed the the above ! Voice connection, shows and feels emotion. Emotion feeds the soul, and once the soul is fed.........
Having said that, and admitting to long, deep considerations of my year of 2014, stretching it a little further back to November 2013, I can realistically state that it was a year I clearly do not want to repeat ! A time of emotional up's and down's nobody will ever understand. A year of institutionalizations, nobody will understand. A year of being dictated to as to what time you get dressed, pill time, breakfast time, lunch and then diner times. A year of being completely at the hands of numerous doctors, nurses, physio's, OT'S - followed by numerous sessions of advise by abled bodied people, who, as dedicated as they are, think they have the authority to advise and ' guide ' you back into the real world ! When you are flat out in bed, completely paralized and a doctor, nurse or some shrink says " I, know how you must be feeling, BUT......... " - WHAT a load of SHIT !! My year was full of huge challenges, amounting to a journey that I have invited you to join me, and together with an inner strength that I found in order to carry on and find my legs AGAIN !!
I would be lying if I did not consider suicide ( a little difficult when you cannot move :) ). As I regained more mobility, I researched suicide clinics in Switzerland, Amsterdam and Brussels, only to realize that it can take up to three years to be approved by the courts ! Not an option - my condition was not life threatening ! I immediately instructed the medical team to put DNR - do not resuscitate, and no life support in the event of a relapse ! - had to sign wads of papers etc etc. Which proved too late once you read on.
The hours upon hours upon hours staring at a blank ceiling, unable to move, talk or control any function of the body. Coupled with the tidal effects of copious amounts of drugs - drifting in and out various 'Alice in Wonderland ' type stories !! I vaguely remember people visiting ( only 2 at a time ), offering good will gestures etc etc, not believing themselves, but it is the done thing !
At the time of my injury..... If I made 48 hours, I had a chance of survival, if I made 72 hours, I was home and dry ! BUT, it was doubtful that I would even make the 48 hours. Looking back on it, I am still convinced that I ' died ' twice - once, in the office where I collapsed, where Jo held me up like a limp puppet until the ambulance arrived. Forget all this stuff of tunnels of light and beautiful music etc etc etc. I firmly beleive that my soul left my body, and I hovered above watching paramedics frantically working over me, whilst Jo was repeatedly saying ' Stay with us Gav, you still have people to tell that you love them ! ' Mumbo jumbo, some people might say, but there is not a night that passes without Jo's words ringing in my ears. Funny really, as all I can remember on the outside of my body is this immense spence of relief, no trumpets, no huge gates, no Angels etc etc - just sheer wholeness of oneself.
The second time, was the day I had asked the hospital to organize transport to my citizenship ceremony. They agreed, provided a physio and a doctor could attend. Did the nessesary, and returned to hospital. Apparently I expressed how exhausted I was and was put to bed. Again, I experienced this overwhelming sense of relief, wholeness and absolute peace. Again, looking down on the
hospital staff frantically inserting tubes and pipes etc, jump starting machines etc etc - no DNR in place yet - DAMN !! Next morning woke up in ICU - only to be told that they nearly lost me ! My retort not suitable for public domain.
And so good people, I could go on and on with episodes of ill will for 2014. I was luckily enough to be awarded a bed in the infamous Stanmore Spinal Rehab. Light at the end of the tunnel ( not dead yet ! ). As you would have read in all my previous blogs, to become my home for six months. Bonds formed like you cannot believe and achievable goals to make life more bearable. So far, as you know, I have half my body back, am fully reintegrated into society, living on my own - with a care pack in place. LIFE IS AS GOOD AS YO MAKE IT !,,
My challenge to you, is to please adopt my attitude in going forward into 2015. Embrace it, love yourself and your family, be greatful for what you have and don't judge !
This seems to be a very ' me ' blog, but in asking you to adopt my attitude, and with further realizations of the numerous hurdles that befall me, I was invited to two New Years eve parties - one was a booze cruise along the Thames ( Start / end point with stations quite within reach - not wheelchair accessible ). The other a house party - two steps off road level, through the house to a tent in the garden - four steps up !!!! NO GO !!
Of years gone by, I would party from the 30th through to the 2nd !!! Be off the radar for days, revelling in all the decadent festivities that befall one at this time of the year ! Miss ? OH YEAH....."........... But I have to look at everything through different eyes now, and regrets, anger, and blame I am not allowed to penetrate my grey matter.
My journey continues, my goals not reached yet, but HELL YES !! I am gonna face 2015 with a renewed vigor ! And I invited you all to join me in the same spirit !
May 2015 bless each and every one of you with health, good will, non-judgement outlooks, and a good positive attitude. Remember, 90% of what we worry about, never happens, and life is fragile.
Happy New Year !!
With love
G.
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